Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic