Driving in Europe vs Canada
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”