(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.