Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning