I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke