I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.