ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
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Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
channeling her this year
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.