my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
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(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I only look at Wordle for the articles
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.