Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.