This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.