handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
can I use a minion as a tampon
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”