ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
figuring out my emotional availability:
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My circle of trust is a meatball
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you