how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then