Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing