Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”