My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Yes my dude
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95