Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.