COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”