Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
You Might Also Like
Whoa 😂
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.