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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Always a metermaid never a meter
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
nyc: