wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*