I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”