Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
How do you milk an almond?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Stop being racist to kettles.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.