Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
a lot to unpack here
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.