[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.