I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever