Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
You Might Also Like
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
B
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Awwwww shit.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE