Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.