My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
So we got a goldfish…
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Why does laundry happen to good people?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
What number SPF blocks people?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.