Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes