Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.