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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down