I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
You Might Also Like
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I WON A HAM TODAY
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.