“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.