When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Cow it started Cow it’s going
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there