The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)