[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*frowns in Scottish*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator