I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Same pineapple, same
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.