I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.