*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Phonetics
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.