[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Lmfaoooooo
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
britain’s three elite institutions
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market