Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The funk soul brother
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?