I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
In space, no one can hear…
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.