Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.