*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.