the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.