The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide