My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
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My time has come.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved