Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs