An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Simple enough.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
concern
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.